Its been over five months since I last wrote. My how time flies and so do many unresolved issues. I've been going through a mild depression over certain aspects of my life since transition, but I'm now taking Physician prescribed chemical enhancers and can now sit back and not have anxiety attacks overwhelm me.
I guess the fact that taking care of older adults, seeing the lack of close intimacy with my wife, the death of a few of the older adults and my mom's had taken a toll on my personality. Having anxiety attacks and being overwhelmed by the issues of our older adults at work and the feeling of loneliness and not having a support base put me off kilter for a few months. Now I'm back on the road and can now see how destructive being lonely can be, which brought me to write about this.
I had seen the ABC Special "Family Secrets" the other night. The central figure Chloe Prince who lives with her wife/spouse and two children brought out the issues that I do face. Not that my life is exactly the same as hers; but the intimacy that she lacks and mine parallel each other.
Since we are both women and I'm sure there are others who are in the same boat as we are, I find that my core values have dramatically changed ove the years and in the last year since coming back from Thailand, I do find that now the attention of a male is something I want to explore. Unfortunately being currently married to my wife makes it hard for me to explore my feminine side when it comes to men. Am I planning on leaving my spouse of over 36 years of marriage? NO, but its something that is in the back of my mind.
How sad it is for all of us, to sleep 2-3 feet from another human being and find that that close intimacy we once shared is now off limits. How sad it is for us to live our own lives and not have that feeling of being wanted or comforted when we're facing many issues that we now face as a married couple. And how sad it is for our partners to find that that same intimacy that we crave together is now denied.
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It was a painful show to watch indeed. Seeing the shredding of the intimacy between spouses has got to be the hardest part, for me included.
You shared your feelings so well here, I appreciate that I'm not alone.
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