The DEATH Squad at your local Insurance Company

Everybody is screaming, yelling, misrepresenting information; but there is a DEATH squad. That squad isn't some pin-stripped suited male or bureaucrat sitting in Congress or in the House of Representatives, It isn't even our President Obama. NO, it is black scrub suited men and women working in a darkened cave tpe office at the claims adjusting section of your local large Insurance company.

That voice at the end of a 1-800 number who you've tried to call, but were given the run around. Those folks who may or may not have a medical degree or even a Nursing Degree; but if they do have a degree their hands are tied because of the bottom dollar.

That voice who sounds as concerned as someone with a bad case of Poison Ivy, or a good case of Gonorrhea and is offering a two for once cent sale.

That voice whom you've spent more than four or five hours on the telephone and suddenly you are cut off, then you dilligently try once again and once you do, they tell you that your claim has been denied, for reasons that are incomprehensible to any rational thinking individual

YES, they inhabit that large department, wearing only black scrubsuits with twin Lightning bolts over their brest pocket.

How many times have you heard friends complain that they were denied, after the doctor has sent reams and reams of reasons why their loved ones needed a special procedure, but were later told it was denied? How many times have you received a letter saying that your premiums are now going up through the roof, because Insurance company has to make a profit and they need to cut their losses, so they raise your premiums

Is it the Presidents fault, Is it Congress or is the Insurance company fault for trying to make money off of peoples misfortune.

Pin-suited folk don't make the policy... the CEO does..

Family Secrets Asian style

Its been over five months since I last wrote. My how time flies and so do many unresolved issues. I've been going through a mild depression over certain aspects of my life since transition, but I'm now taking Physician prescribed chemical enhancers and can now sit back and not have anxiety attacks overwhelm me.

I guess the fact that taking care of older adults, seeing the lack of close intimacy with my wife, the death of a few of the older adults and my mom's had taken a toll on my personality. Having anxiety attacks and being overwhelmed by the issues of our older adults at work and the feeling of loneliness and not having a support base put me off kilter for a few months. Now I'm back on the road and can now see how destructive being lonely can be, which brought me to write about this.

I had seen the ABC Special "Family Secrets" the other night. The central figure Chloe Prince who lives with her wife/spouse and two children brought out the issues that I do face. Not that my life is exactly the same as hers; but the intimacy that she lacks and mine parallel each other.

Since we are both women and I'm sure there are others who are in the same boat as we are, I find that my core values have dramatically changed ove the years and in the last year since coming back from Thailand, I do find that now the attention of a male is something I want to explore. Unfortunately being currently married to my wife makes it hard for me to explore my feminine side when it comes to men. Am I planning on leaving my spouse of over 36 years of marriage? NO, but its something that is in the back of my mind.

How sad it is for all of us, to sleep 2-3 feet from another human being and find that that close intimacy we once shared is now off limits. How sad it is for us to live our own lives and not have that feeling of being wanted or comforted when we're facing many issues that we now face as a married couple. And how sad it is for our partners to find that that same intimacy that we crave together is now denied.

Domestic Violence; what no honeymoon?

There was something that our therapist told us during our first Post-Op support group meeting. As the six women sat there in the office talking about life after Transition we all agreed that many of the problems were the same ones we now all faced.

Now the difference between this meeting of Post-Op females versus the Pre-Ops is that the latter folks are still wondering how they the will be traveling down that Gender road. One that has enough pebbles, small sized rocks and a few boulders strewn along the way.

Many of them are going through their own puberty, one that has them looking to find friends, wondering what clothes they will be wearing, how they're going to find guys, how they're looking forward to that first day walking out of their closeted home into the light as a woman or man. Yes there are even female to male Transsexuals here too.

Everyone of the Pre's are going through their own genesis. For them to sit in their first meeting, seeing and talking to the more experienced but still novice TS's, is a relief. Many are still wondering what type of clothes they will need, whether they will soon go on hormones, wondering wher to find places to go out as a man or woman, and many other myriad questions.

They all have that questioning look and there will be one or two who will find that transitioning to another gender is not what they want and will retreat to their own personal closet, to these girls they are through puberty.

But for the women who are sitting through our first 3-hour session, we are now out of puberty and now going through graduate school in the school of life and as we think about our own travels we share a common thread. We are all Domestic Violence survivors.

Why Domestic Violence? Well, if you look at it; all of us are women, we are now or starting to see a stormy relationship with our spouses, a stable marriage is now teteering on the brink of divorce or separation, our home life is cold and loveless. Even though "there" is no violence as in a regular Domestic Violence situation, the type of issues we do go through is somewhat similar and to make it worse; there is no violence, just silence.

Many of us are starving for companionsihp, we want to be held, we crave a sexual relationship, but can't because our spouses are not too happy about a Lesbian relationship or being in a same-sex household. Our spouses want to maintain that feeling of being protected, like when we were first married and the thought of Transition had not entered the picture.

But who is going to protect us women now? Who is going to tell us that we're safe, who is going to hold us to stroke our hair and to look into our frightened eyes as we face our own financial disaster and cannot take care of our family, or even give comfort to our spouses? Just who is going to do that?

So, what our therapist told us, we are in some ways survivor of Domestic violence, where the wife (now us) can't or won't leave an unstable relationship and the analogy's are actually the same; but there is NO violence, just the death of our own sel-esteem and how we view our relationships.

But there is one thing that we can do, but then who hasn't thought of it and its very simple if you do. "Why not leave the marriage and start all over"? Our therapist told us that for many women who have left a floundering relationship due to Domestic Violence (DV), the wives do better in the long run.

So now, the stage is set. Do I leave this marriage that I've been in for the last 36 years or do I continue to stay in a loveless relationship?

Its girls nite out

Well I finally got my flight ready and paid for. I'm leaving on that red eye flight, okay so i'm leaving in the afternoon; but won't be making my appearance in Phoenix till 5pm that afternoon.

But I was telling my cousin what I wanted to do and I mentioned a movie. She wrote back "GIRLY Movies".... So we're off to chick flicks with another long time cousin I haven't seen since 1973 in the Philppines. This one is about a few months younger than me, so three cousins out to see a movie, maybe taking in a pizza for dinner or a friendly drink in their local watering holes is going to be the start of a nice vacation.

Plus, going shopping for "PRADA" for my other cousin... it looks like this girls wallet and going to be empty before I even get started - LOL.

But, one thing is for certain.... Looking at the guys in summer wear will be a oasis for my tired, winterey, foggy eyes.

I'm gone, well not quite

Well things are looking up, this morning my pay was deposted into my account and so I went and ordered a R/T plane ticket to and from Phoenix, Az. I'm going to be leaving on the 2nd of April and coming back home on the 6th.

And I also saw my Family Practice Physician for my yearly health exam. Its funny I haven't seen Dr. Dewelle since February of 2008 when she finished signing copies of all of my medical records for me to take to Thailand for my surgery in March of 2008.

As I was sitting in the exam room, talking to her; I told her of all of the things that have happened to me since April 2008 to include my first encounter with a male and the possible breakup of our marriage. She was concerned because she was wondering how our marriage would now survive, since I was now female and my wife is also female.

But after telling her my story, she told me that in her opinion the surgery did me good and I'm actually behaving like any other natal female. Which leaves me with the question.... Can I actually be receptive to a male? And If I were to leave or the curtain were to finally come down on our marriage, would I make it as a single woman?

Many questions and too few answers, but isn't that what life is all about? The ability to adapt to changing situations and try to make the best of a bad situation?

Right now I want to continue my marriage; but if that time comes for me to leave I'll ready

Abandoned; but not forgotten....

I feel my life is like an abandoned military base, what once was a stable marriage, is now starting to show the strain of 36 years of change. Oh, it isn't like big chunks are coming off; but small hairline fissures are now starting to appear on the surface.

My wife who I love is now facing the fact that I am continuing to evolve as a woman and I'm now finding that my feelings are now changing. But why now and why not before all of this transition?

Well I think that now I see thing very differently than my wife does. In fact, as that new woman in the house, the love life that we used to share has now been supplanted by the fear of a Lesbian relationship. I know my wife very well; and she's as straight as an arrow and I'm pretty straight too.

It is said that the sex drive of every human being is different and what may be an excess for one, may be slow for another. I find that statement to be rather prophetic in what has happened to me in the last month.

Now, I am that woman who wants to have sex, to enjoy the feelings of another person, to enjoy the feelings and to feel good. However, my wife only wants to stay in the status quo, or keep her life as stable as possible.

Being a Transgendered woman is like going to school. In the beginning as we fumble through our lives looking and searching for what we've become, learning about fashion, make-ups, going to meetings, being out as a woman or what ever female you think you may want to be is likened to being in "Elementary school". It is just learning how you fit into all of this.

But after the surgery, having Breast Augmentation, being on hormones, changing all of your personal identities and now as confident as that woman are you now in the big leagues. It is as though you are now in a University program going for your "Post-Doctural" education.

So getting back to my story. I've now found that I now have that power over men, I now have that power that only the members of a special club can now use and our power is through our legs. I don't see myself being without someone one of these days, maybe I will take that long trip to another foreign country to meet other men. Maybe I'll continue to live here in the US; but under different circumstances. Will I get divorced and move away? Only time will tell.

This is a journey that is still without an end and it is a journey that I gladly walk.

Gone but not forgotten... just yet.

It is strange that I am not the least bit afraid of the future. After attending the very first "Post-Op Transgender Support Group" I now find that my life is now taking a life of its own. As our therapist told the initial group of four TS women in attendance, learning to come out, finding out who you are in this interesting world, dressing finding friends, learning the ins and out of being a woman is like being in grade school.

But after the surgery and now living as a woman is what he called going for your Post Doctural Education. You are now in the big leagues and face new challenges. The surgery was the vehicle for which we arrived, life and relationships is what defines us and determines whether we fail as women or males.

So, in keeping with continuing education as a woman, I am taking a well-earned vacation from life, the family and my wife and going alone to visit family in warm and sunny Arizona. It is a sanctuary for which I can talk w/o interference from the family on issues of the heart and for once; live my life even for a five day stretch as that new woman.

Even though everyone knows that I am married, it is the freedom to just say whatever I want to my first cousin (female) on my mothers side and to hear my aunt's talk to me in our Filipino dialect. It is also a time for me and my cousin Meredith to go out and just do girl things; i.e. shopping, go window shopping (she likes PRADA), and just be out watching what else.... GUYS. Oh, she's also married and I'm the auntie to three of her sons. So talking to her about my disastrous attempt with a guy is something I need to get off my chest.

So for five days this girl will leave the stress of trying to find money to pay our bills, not to worry about work and the residents of our Assisted Living facility, not having to listen to my wife of 36 years or listen to the same issues that are plaguing every family in the United States. This will be MY time alone.

Dark nagging thoughts

My foray into the world of intimacy between a man and a woman fizzled into a puddle of poo poo, what would have been a way to find out who I truely am as a woman and to see if I could have a relationship with a man became my Waterloo. The resultant fireworks, which has probably cost my friend dearly, has also cost me countless hours of feeling dejected.

Usually I can count on my upbringing, stoic approach and sometimes a smile or a sense of humor to carry me over any pitfall that I may encounter; but now, I find that my thoughts drift back to what we would have had, but is now gone.

I find that at work, I would think about this problem and sometimes it does bring a tear to my eye as I tell my girlfriends my feelings and compounding this issue is the fact that where I work, I've had to deal with the deaths of two of our senior residents within a few months of each other. I also have to deal with my mothers passing in December of 2008.

Besides these problems is that we are now facing a very serious financial crisis, we're not in foreclosure just yet, but teetering on the brink and also the very real possibility of my wife, losing her 28 year old job due to a budget shortfall in her school district.

So what do I have here? YOU have a woman who is light skinned and very moody, prone to the various cycles of being on female hormones, couple this with the above issues and you have a recipie for trouble.

But there is a silver lining to this, the TG conference where this all started has now been cancelled, due to poor sign-up of attendees. Normally the California Dreamin TG Conference and in this case CaD2009 would have had over a few hundred attendees staying for three to four days, attending seminars, going out to the local restaurants and enjoying a memorable dinner banquet.

With the economy in the tank, the high cost of attending, plane fare, gas, food, hotel fee, and the other miscellaneous things that TG's buy at a conference, many attendees have decided not to attend.

So the cancellation of the conference was a way for me to regroup. On that date the conference would have been held, I am now going to Arizona to see my first cousins, two favorite aunties, my cousins children who will have a new auntie to spoil them and the best of all.... Go shopping with my cousins. IN other words, hanging out with the girls and talking about what else..."SEX", fashion, and maybe show them my battle scars. But the best part of all, I will be leaving for a few days the problems that are now causing me a great deal of distress.

I know my wife and my two sons are thinking that I should be spending my time with them and that the money being spent on a R/T airplane ticket could be put to good use in paying off some of our bills. True this is very important, but my family who I love do not know how dark my feelings are at this time. I am at the point of thinking that maybe they do not really need me at all.

That maybe my transitioning has been the nail that ruined my wife's happiness or that the money that was spent on my Transition to Thailand could have been used to pay off a lot of debts. Well I'm sorry that my expectations did not match theirs and that I am who I am. But that is water under the bridge. I've had feelings that a divorce (just a thought at times) may be something that could be possible, but I do love my wife and leaving now at this time would be abandoining her. Plus, we also have to care for her mother who is in a residential care home in our area. So the implementation of a divorce would not solve anything.

So the trip and the five days away from the family is something that I really need and it will give me some breathing room to figure out a way to keep our home and to feel protected and safe for now.

Why I love Victoria Secret.... for now.

Being a girl has its moments; the first date, your first job, your first sexual encounter with a guy and your first bra. Your first bra you may add? Well how about your first bra that actually fits you and isn't one that you came across because you thought you'd look great in it.

With the high cost of clothing, the cost of a bra isn't something to sneeze about. I had been buying bras as I needed them and would always get ones that didn't fit or find things out about bras that women seem to find.

So, after going through a lot of bra fittings and still finding that the ones I've bought through the years didn't really fit, I took a chance and went in to inquire about a bra that could do everything such as Saving the American Economy, Bringing peace to the world, Getting rid of world hunger and Bring foreign nations together under a banner of brotherly love and before I forget..... and finally arresting that rascally rabbit....Osama Ben Ladin.

But instead of that, I just settled on finding a good bra that really fitted. So the other day I went in and talked to the sales lady who loved the idea of fitting a big, tall Amazon Filipina woman with a rack size of 42C and one who was Transgendered to boot.

Anyway after studying my figure, she came up with the size that seemed to do everything except win the next Presidential election in 2024, plus it really fitted me to a "T", okay forget the pun.... I found that my actual size is now a whopping ...... 38DD.

So I'd like to thank Mother Nature and Dow Chemicals for giving me my current breast size.

Fat wallet = A fat Ass

I just finished signing up with our local Red Cross chapter to take the "CPR for the Professional Rescuer". So after inputting all of my information on their website, it asked me to pay the fee. As I took out my wallet from my purse, I got my Wells Fargo VISA card out of my purse and entered the numbers. After finishing I sent the information and within a few minutes got a response that I had now been enrolled in the Apr 21st class.

So as I was putting away my wallet into my purse I was thinking to myself on how large this wallet had gotten to be. In my former life, my wallet and everything held dear to me was contained in a small leather wallet that had the capacity to expand to around 2 inches in width, now the wallet I am carrying contains not only my personal cards, but every credit card, bank card, pictures of the family, miscellaneous odds and ends that every woman I've ever known carry. It also has room for a checkbook and register, space for change and paper currency, etc., etc., etc.....

In other words, this same wallet I now carry in my purse along with designer sunglasses by "Juicy", case, lipstick, hair pins, berets, scrunchy's, camera, change of panties, liners, assorted pens, female disposable wipes, sanitary napkins, combs in two different sizes and also various snacks, now weighs around 10-30 lbs.

So if I were to put this in a guy's way of carrying it, I'd now be hefting a very large backpack on my back....Instead of a very nice looking purse....And my back pocket would now look like it was nine months pregnant.....

Ahhhh yes, isn't it fun to be a girl??????

It's my birthday....So who's going to do dishes?

I like birthdays, I like the party atmosphere, the crowds of people invited for the festive ocassion, the food and watching that special birthday boy or girl, in this case a girl celebrate her birthday in style at the home. Unfortunately, it was the three of us, the cat & the dog tonight.

But the meal was great. I got Ham hocks & beans, corn bread, salad and a beer. Sounds like something i could have ordered from our local diner; but it was the thought that counted.

Now, as far as presents are concerned. I got a free $40.00 haircut at our local hair salon, which actually cost me $25.00 and I got to educate my stylist on TG101. But she was great. She has a 28 year old friend that is coming out as a TS.

Since her friend is around 28, I was thinking that here is another girl who is in the same age bracket as my twin sons who will turn 30 years old on the 13th of March. I've always wanted a daughters and so it looks like I'm going to get my wish by playing mom to this girl ala June Cleaver on "Leave it to Beaver", as I help her navigate through the rocky TG roadway.

Even though she may not want me to help, it would be nice to actually meet her and give her from time to time some advice on surviving as a TS in this world.

It is funny how we all talk about ourselves and i was one of them, you know those blabbering women who inhabit every hair salon from her to kingdom come. And with a straight hair dresser instead of a gay one, she got a lot out of our conversation.

But, other than that. My birthday was pretty tame. I did get to enjoy my meal that was cooked by my family. However the beer got to me and soon I was dozing off to LaLa land.

Soon I joined the millions of women who fall asleep in front of their TV sets, dozing peacefully while the issues of the day and the world are safely and for now have been locked out the front door.

All I got for my birthday is....

Isn't life full of surprises? Today is my actual birthday and the celebration of my first year as being a woman. Since I made this great transition on my birthday on March 10th, I can actually tell people that I was born on this day at 11:30pm. Which isn't a lie, just stretching the truth a bit....

Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who has sent me a birthday card. Many of these celebrants have only known me for a short period of time and some have not actually met me; but just sent me a well wish for my birthday just the same.

But, its the other folks WHO have known me for over 50 years are the ones that I have a problem with. Imagine, knowing someone and not even acknowledging their accomplishment is to me a slap in the face. Why should perfect strangers do this? I was expecting even members of my family to acknowledge the amount of work I had expended just to become this new person. But not one person even acknowledge this. I even had to send a message to one of my sons to remind him that the girl was in town.

But, I still love each and everyone of them and hope that when the chips are down and they are looking for a bit of a cheer-up, that someone other than me gives them the courage to face whatever they are facing.

I hate history, unless its about WWII

I was reading an interesting blog by "Jamiegottagun" and she brought to mind "WHY" I really don't like TG's. On I'm not talking about the person and I for one salute them but its the non-stop history of their life and how they got from point A to point B and some side roads in between.

What I mean is this, it's perfectly fine at a therapist office on a one to one session or even during group sessions, but what I don't like is ...

Imagine you are at a small cocktail party and there are oh; about maybe 20-60 paired and single people milling around the house. You go up and stop by the food table or the bar and start to enjoy yourself. Now if you're like me, you are probably going to be at a party that is a mix between a lot of straight folks and a few TG's. Now you're enjoying yourself and soon you find that there is another TG at the party who seems hell-bent to tell you their life story.

Now this life story is something like someone with a speech impediment reading the lengthy novel 'War & Peace" at a very slow pace and with the people suddenly looking for a place to run and hide. IT"S a history of their "WHY" they came out.....

Listen, as a transgendered individual and one who is now all female..... I for one don't want to hear WHY you want to transition, nor do I want to know what happened 10-20 years ago; I want to know what is presently happening in your "life". I want to know what issues are you now facing, your fears & struggles, your children & family, are you being laid off from your job and what do you see in your future. I want to know what almost happens to folks at a party and that is.... "LIFE"!.

To give you and example on what I'm talking about, try this on for size. If you go to the next party and you are introduced to someone or being introduced to the other guests, do you say....

"Hello, my name is Cameron and I'm a TG, I've had a long and horrible life as a guy, I love wearing my mom's clothes at age 6. At age 10 I had a girl friend and I found out that I loved to wear her clothes, oh how I wished I could be a girl, blah, blah, blah......

Okay now do you get the picture, or how about this one.

"Hello my name is "Jane", how are you. Yes, I've known Bill and his wife for many years.... Bill and I work for the ABCDEFG company which just went bankrupt and we've both been laid off. I was Sr. VP of IT and Bill was Sr. VP of Marketing...

Now how's that for current events? Is it something that is current and pertinent to the times and are you now starting to hang around, because you and everybody else has the same problem? We're all talking about what is happening in our lives, not a one sided conversation about 'YOU" and your issues.

So, if you're into military history, cars, sports (yes even a TS likes sports), food, fine dining, family life, children and grandchildren and "MEN". All the things that make us and also defines who we are and we're at the same party. You may just see me hanging around you and the others instead of "heading for the hills".

Closer and closer

Well on Tuesday I reach a milestone because I now turn 59 and next year I hit that magic 60 mark. Not bad for an old broad and one that is really brand new as a woman.

As I sit here writing this blog, I look back to my over 30 years transitioning and to tell you the truth... I'm really glad I'm a woman. Sure we get pooped on, we have crappy jobs, we have responsibilities and I now find that what used to be a division between work and home life as a male is now an ongoing job. So I can really understand why being a wife and woman is a full time 24 hour job.

But what I'd like to say is this. On Tuesday the 10th of March, I will have actually reached a milestone in my journey as a woman. Besides hitting 59, and getting my hair styled at one of our local hair salons and maybe getting a great full-body massage, I am also celebrating my other birthday. For you see, I transitioned on my birthday in Thailand and there is a very interesting coincidence that connects the two birthdays.

For on March 10th, 1950 at 11:30pm I came out into the world screaming and squawking in the wrong gender. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:30pm Thailand time, I came out as a new woman.

Greetings....

Well I finally got my letter from the Breast Exam or Mammography center. The boobs and surrounding tissue are free from.... any signs of Cancer.

So for the current year, I'm a healthy woman. Oh and they did tell me after the age of 40 I have to get my yearly Breast Exam.

Oh well, so much for being healthy......

Squish....

Today started out like any other day; except I was due in town for a 12:50 date at the Mammography center. Arriving at the Mammography center I signed in and waited. As I sat down to wait for the Technologist who would do my Mammogram I watched as two Mexican women filled out some forms and in the back sat a gentleman with a little girl, probably waiting for the female in the family.

Finally, my turn came as one of the workers announced "Ms. Garcia". Getting up I wondered if anyone saw anything different about me or the name and a very well dressed woman in jeans, high heels and a leather jacket left the room.

Getting undressed, I put on the requisite blue kimono exam jacket with the opening toward the front and waited in another waiting room with two other women. Inside the room, one could see that I was all female with my boobs sitting behind a cloth jacket with nothing to hold them up. Finally the Technologist came in, introduced herself and I followed her into the Mammogram room.

After asking me what type of hormones I was on, she asked if I had saline or silicone implants and if they were behind the muscle. Reaffirming that I had saline implants and they were behind the muscle, the Technologist began to take my pictures. The girl was very nice and she asked me a lot of questions, mostly about being a Transgendred woman after surgery. During my exam I briefed her on the many aspects I found about being a woman, namely having a yearly Mammogram and the fact that I had an OB exam two months ago.

Standing by the machine, the girl moved each of my breasts into the machine and took an individual picture of each breast in their different positions. What was interesting is that there was none of the horror stories of having your breasts clamped down by some maniac Technologist who derived watching the women writhing in pain. It was a very peaceful experience and soon it was over.

So after getting dressed, I walked out of the Mammography center preparing for next years test....

So this is what an affair does

Why do I feel lousy over something that will never happen and will take a few months for me to get over. I had the chance to have someone F- - k my brains out and I did the stupidest thing. I went and told someone who knew this person, but didn't realize that the same email she has is being shared by his wife.

DUMB, DUMB,DUMB. Now it off to Damage Control for my male friend and I'm off to the dumps in my emotions and how I'm relating to folks at this time.

Yes I'm married and have been for the last 34 years, and like all marriages mine was kind of barren; but I decided to find out what it meant to be a woman by going all the way with this person. Yes he knows about my background and was quite willing, but as we all know he has a loved one that he doesn't want to lose, but not married. Me I'm married, so we both knew going into this short lived affair that after that weekend we'd go and drop whatever we had and resume our own private lives, hundreds of miles apart.

I can see a thought going through your minds as you're reading this. And its probably why did you enter into this arrangement? Well the reason is very simple and basic to every human being here on this planet. Its "SEX", plain and simple. Sex with a man as a new woman after surgery.

Now if you haven't gotten the message from looking at my profile or my picture. I used to be male and for the last 57 years I have been a male; but through modern science and surgery, I have now transitioned from male to being female. I'm not going to bore you with all of the details; but in short I'm what they call a "Chemically enhanced female with after-market parts", or the general term.... I"m a Post-Surgical Male to Female Transsexual". Kind of makes you want to run for cover doesn't it.

But back to my story, why the affair? Well I do know what to do as a male with a female partner, and for the bulk of our mariage, sex with my wife was pretty good, then my transitioning and the sex became infrequent and finally it stopped al together. So for 20 years, this kid was kind of barren. Cutting to 2008, after a few years on hormones, Breas Augmentation an finally SRS or Sexual Reassignment Surgery, I had a vagina installed and I now have indoor plumbing.

So why the need for an affair? Well to tell you the truth, as a new female on the block; "I don't know how my new body parts are going to work? and also can I function as a real life female if I had to or can I turn my thinking 180 degrees and think of myself as a new female having sex with a man? After those long 57 years, I finally had the chance to find out and this guy was going to be my meal ticket into finding out.

We both knew and agreed to a weekend at a conference in the Sacramento area. But like all things planned, a small slipup to a friend caused this person to now rethink his position. So the letter. My ultimatum was simple. Either choose me during the conference or just walk and never find out if I would have made a great sexual partner. Simple and to the point.

Writing that letter was easy, since being a Filipina woman who felt she was wronged and made out to be the villain by some folks suddenly blossomed into me turning into a demanding woman who will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

Loose Lips do sink ships

I found out that the old World War II term "Lose Lips sink Ships" or in my case "Do" sink ships is not a totally worthless saying. It really applies, and now I'm feeling quite lonely and sad, that my actions have dashed my chance for a short romance.

In my haste to talk to friends about being with someone I wanted to have a relationship with, even for a few hours; my stupidity caused this person irreparable harm in his relationship with a loved one. I never for once thought a casual slip or a phrase would have such a profound effect on how I now currently feel.

Now I will never have that chance to find out what love with a man is like. Since I used to be a male before my transition one year ago, any sex in my younger days was your typical five minutes of ecstasy and then over in a flash. Now as a woman I have that need to be secure with someone. I wanted to have this person to hold me and to validate my urges as a woman.

Because of my stupidity and eagerness to share even if it was changing a few facts, my weekend with this person is now gone and I will probably never broach my feelings to another male, let alone someone who's friends share emails with their spouses.

Is it fair? NO, and even though I am currently married to a wonderful person for the last 34 years, I wanted to experience another side to my sexuality. But now, I am having these pangs of sadness, coupled with thoughts of unease and a sadness that what would have been my chance is now gone forever.

Will I ever go and try my luck again, maybe not. Will I ever broach my feelings to others, probably not. Will I ever have these sexual feelings towards another man? YES.

Things my mother never told me

How many of us can truly say that we know everything about anything and that also includes SEX. My first 40 years as a male I thought I knew the basics, but now as a woman I find that I really have now knowledge of what to do. Since I used to be at the other end of the gun, my experience was kissing, fondling then the actual closeness and finally....

So it was when I got married. We produced three great sons who are now grown and married. Sex for us was your typical get together lie in bed and perform the act, which usually lasted for me a few minutes Little did I know that we'd soon get tired and move on years later. In fact, my sex life became like any other American/Asian couple. Very dismal to say the least. But we survived and soon the companionhip, intimacy but not the act was our way of having sex.

Now I find myself on the other side of the gun, for now I am the recipient. Since I now have the necessary plumbing and body parts of a woman. I can't get pregnant, have a period or menstrual cycle, life as a woman isn't too bad; but I can like any female or male, pick up a few strange diseases if one is not protected. So in that case, whether we transition or not, having protection applies to all of us.

Nevertheless, after my surgery since 2008, that thought has been nagging at the back of my mind. JUST how do I act as a woman if placed or find myself in a compromising position with a man? So I have asked many folks including my therapist. They all came up with good answers, but none were specific. So I did what any smart person would do. I went on the web and found a site that gave me the information I needed.

A lot of the information had to do with things women do to a man, such as "Oral Sex", how to pleasure yourself, disease to avoid and how to protect yourself. But the one thing that caught my eye were the 100 or more sexual positions. You know, I didn't know there were over 100 variations on intercourse and each one had a description on what it is and the results it provides. There were also comments from the readers on each of these positions and I must say that I"ve really been in the dark ages when it came to sex.

So why did I bring this up? Well in a few months I get to find out what it is like to have sex with a man and right now I'm really nervous about this. How do you do a 180 degree turn from trying to run the show to actually letting someone show you what to do? How do you start?, etc. There are so many questions and quite frankly, as a woman I just don't know what I'll do. But we'll let nature take its course.

I've tried to keep this from becoming an all too consuming idea and decided to let the story unfold.by itself. Who knows, maybe I'll find that I too don't know everything about anything.

But then, isn't that what men and women in a special relationship have done throughout recorded history, gone and experimented?

A new wrinkle

It was a warm Saturday in Monterey and there were about 10 of us in group session with our therapist. Half of us were F2M's and the other were M2F's. As we sat across from each other talking about our lives and what would be in store for us in the future our therapist told us something that has continued to haunt me until a few weeks ago.

Now this is back in 2004 and a lot has happened in the intervening five years. As I sat there a partially made female very comfortable in dressing and being out as a woman, but still having a male responsibility on my work days, I thought about the comment our therapist told to all of us.

What he said was this. "As you continue to grow and live in the opposite gender, you will find that your core values on how you see yourself will change". For me as a former heterosexual male, meant that would I be seeking a Gay relationship with a man? And this comment raised a few eyebrows among the crowd.

Going forward five years, it is now early February 2009. My body has changed, I am about 11 months post-op and have gone through my own transitioning from male to a woman and generally I consider myself as a woman, not as a Transgendered or a Transsexual, but a "Post-Menopausal" female.

Getting up in the morning, dressing in front of the mirror it is not hard to see a definite change at my smaller female waistline, breast that are proportioned for my body and my new vagina. I now understand the implications on what it means to be physically female; but then there is that feeling that I am not complete, that even though I have a stable marriage and love my wife, I am missing out and probably will never know "what" it truely means to have a relationship with a man.

It isn't a thought anymore; but a statement. Will I go through life as a completed woman and never enjoy the feel of a man as he makes love to me, for now it is yes. But then strange things are now coming into play.

I now find myself being on two different female hormones and in November and at work I started to have a very small sexual fantasy that is originated by a bed. I am starting to feel a bit hot, but dismiss this as working very hard or the heat on our floor is up too high. Which brings a bit of laughter from my supervisor who is a Registered Nurse tell me that I am having hot flashes.

But this one ongoing fantasy of having sex with a 30-55 y/o version of that 90 year old resident in that bed gives me pause. It is the only apartment in the entire floor of 31 apartments that I have trouble with. This fantasy only last for a few moments, but in this fantasy I find my clothes being ripped off my body and my undergarments being pulled off as this younger male penetrates me.

I don't know why this is happening or why I am having this one particular fantasy, but in December at our yearly group Christmas party, I am telling my therapist this and he started laughing by telling me that these feelings and ideas are what normal women have, normal sexual fantasies and also he tells me "Cameron You're horny". So the fantasy subsides, but is still there.

With that in mind, it is now early February 2009 and feeling that I need to see old friends at an upcoming Transgender conference I call a few friends that are going to see if I can stay in their room while attending the conference. I'm thinking that I would be going to a few seminars, participating in the few shopping excursions, dressing with the other girls, meeting new friends, then go home to my family.

But what I did not expect was another email from another friend who will be attending the conference, but coming up a day earlier to set up his booth at the conference. What started out as a normal email by him telling me that he would love to have dinner with me and to talk about old times, became in 72 hours a torrent of emails that went from PG to X-rated.

We started talking about sex and suddenly I now find myself in the enviable position of possibly having sex with a man an sleeping with him in his bed for two nights.

Now I am in a quandry, I now find that this sudden unexpected present has now changed my views on my personal core values. Since I am now female and not a male the thought of possibly enjoying sex with a man is something that I want to pursue.

And that prophetic warning to us has now become reality. What our therapist had also told us is that this is not about GAY sex, but a coming full-circle in our genders to see if we as in my case a woman can have a relationship with a man.

I think now, that as I grow into my new life as a woman, that this thought is now someting that is important and I want to feel that touch from a man and to have that man love me as a woman.

Its been a long four years

It is now 2009 and a lot has changed snce I last posted my blog on September 2005. Our household has weathered many issues and is now looking forward to what new changes will bring to us.

Well to start off; I finally started my transitioning as a woman by having Breast Augmentation surgery in March 2006. What started out as an idea, then after a lot of talking and dweling on how my life would be changed forever, we decided that it was time. So after consulting many Plastic surgeons I decided on having my implants performed in Los Gatos, Ca. My implants were twin 720cc Saline sub-pectoral implants, meaning they were surgically inserted under the pectoral muscles on the chest and were inserted through both nipples.

If you think Madonna and her Ice Cream breast cups were interesting, you should try having real implants inserted. After my surgery, I saw that I had two very large bumps on my chest and after the bandages were removed a week later, I had semi-hard breasts on my chest. Not to mention that the post-op phase was a pain in the ass, but eventually as life unfolded my breasts started to mold and look like regular breasts. After about six months, the breasts were very pliable and now two years after my surgery, they are now as normal looking as genetic breasts.

So now what are the differences between mine and regular women? Well for one thing, since I stand as a tall woman and older in years, my breasts were placed a bit lower than many younger women and the size was determined by my physical body. So If you're interested in sizing (males), I am a 42-34-40 or a 42C. Big, but very proportinoed.

After my surgery, life continued to unfold. I started to work outside the house and in a retail environment. I was hired by one of the biggest Box stores (Wal Mart) as a woman and did not find any problems, in fact I kind of blended into the crowd, then I lost my job when I was told I couldn't apply for another position while I was on sick-leave for another little issue with my body.

So for almost a year I was unemployed; but one good thing, I had a Government Pension coming in that helped us out. Meager as it could be, at least I had a monthly check coming in and I had "HEALTH" Insurance, which many people do not have and to this day, it is one of the biggest issues facing us.

As the years went by, another issue came up and that was the final journey I would be taking. We had talked about this and frankly I was not too sure if this was a good idea. I was generally pretty happy with my life, but my wife of 34 years pointed out that there was something missing from my personality. Even though it seemed I was very happy and let me tell you, that being out as a Transgendered individual is one of the best feelings, it wasn't enough. So after thinking of the final solution which would be Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS), we had put off talking about it and decided to let this issue rest.

Another year went by and sometimes I'd talk about this with my wife and we'd look at reasons for why my being partially constructed was fine; but there was that feeling that all was not right. So, in 2007 I happened to attend a conference of Police Officers who were also Transgendered at another conference in San Jose, which is the yearly California Dreamin (CaD) 2007 Transgendered Conference.

After talking to the other women who had gone through this surgery, I finally decided t hat this was what was missing from my life. After returning home I discussed this with my wife and we decided that this is the road I must travel. This road is not easy to travel, it entails a lot more counseling, finding a surgeon either here or abroad (Thailand) and many small but necessary steps. One thing that helped is my therapist was also a Gender Specialist and Sex Therapist and who had seen me grow into this new woman through the years.

Since my life as a partially constructed female was very stable, I had a job, retired, family, I didn't have to go thorugh the regular "RLT" or Real Life Testing needed. I already fulfilled many of those pre-requsites. So I finally decided on going to Thailand for my surgery, which also included Femal Feminization Surgery or FFS.

To make a long story short, I finally had my life-altering and permanent surgery on my birthday in Thailand with Dr. Kamol. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:30pm (Bangkok time), I came out as a finished product. All of my plumbing was changed and a few facial procedures were also performed. So I stayed in Thailand for the required 30 days and on April 5th, 2008 I returned back to the States a fully functioning woman.

During this time from 2007 till 2008, we also had a major crisis at home. My wife rebroke her Hip Replacement and could not work, we suffered a few crisis requiring us to spend more funds than we had anticipated, we also had to deal with botf of our mothers being assigned to a Residential Care home. But with all of this, I finally returned back home and the changes were very different.

My family could now detect a happier person and one that was complete. I also went thorugh the usual depression associated with SRS, but pulled through. We managed from April 2008 till 2009 to muddle through financial difficulty and two divorces (sons). But our family is still whole. We are currently married and now waiting for our two divorced sons to remarry.

I am now thinking of returning back to Thailand to have performed two more surgeries; one is a major revision of my face and a minor surgical repair to my vaginal area. These two surgeries will now enable me to look much more feminine than I am and the other is a surgical repair or revision to rebuild the bottom part. Since there was not enough tissue to work with, my surgeon told me that if I returned back within six to twelve months, I could have a better looking and aesthetically vagina.

I am now thinking seriously about this and even though we have an economic crisis on hand, these two items are not far behind in my thinking.

So, what has the last four years brought me since I last wrote in September 2005? Well a lot of peace and a quietness to my life. I am well thought of as a woman by my co-workers, our life as two married women is a bit different than a typical same-sex household or Lesbian household. So now I have joined the countless same-sex households by the swipe of a surgeons scalpel.