Dark nagging thoughts

My foray into the world of intimacy between a man and a woman fizzled into a puddle of poo poo, what would have been a way to find out who I truely am as a woman and to see if I could have a relationship with a man became my Waterloo. The resultant fireworks, which has probably cost my friend dearly, has also cost me countless hours of feeling dejected.

Usually I can count on my upbringing, stoic approach and sometimes a smile or a sense of humor to carry me over any pitfall that I may encounter; but now, I find that my thoughts drift back to what we would have had, but is now gone.

I find that at work, I would think about this problem and sometimes it does bring a tear to my eye as I tell my girlfriends my feelings and compounding this issue is the fact that where I work, I've had to deal with the deaths of two of our senior residents within a few months of each other. I also have to deal with my mothers passing in December of 2008.

Besides these problems is that we are now facing a very serious financial crisis, we're not in foreclosure just yet, but teetering on the brink and also the very real possibility of my wife, losing her 28 year old job due to a budget shortfall in her school district.

So what do I have here? YOU have a woman who is light skinned and very moody, prone to the various cycles of being on female hormones, couple this with the above issues and you have a recipie for trouble.

But there is a silver lining to this, the TG conference where this all started has now been cancelled, due to poor sign-up of attendees. Normally the California Dreamin TG Conference and in this case CaD2009 would have had over a few hundred attendees staying for three to four days, attending seminars, going out to the local restaurants and enjoying a memorable dinner banquet.

With the economy in the tank, the high cost of attending, plane fare, gas, food, hotel fee, and the other miscellaneous things that TG's buy at a conference, many attendees have decided not to attend.

So the cancellation of the conference was a way for me to regroup. On that date the conference would have been held, I am now going to Arizona to see my first cousins, two favorite aunties, my cousins children who will have a new auntie to spoil them and the best of all.... Go shopping with my cousins. IN other words, hanging out with the girls and talking about what else..."SEX", fashion, and maybe show them my battle scars. But the best part of all, I will be leaving for a few days the problems that are now causing me a great deal of distress.

I know my wife and my two sons are thinking that I should be spending my time with them and that the money being spent on a R/T airplane ticket could be put to good use in paying off some of our bills. True this is very important, but my family who I love do not know how dark my feelings are at this time. I am at the point of thinking that maybe they do not really need me at all.

That maybe my transitioning has been the nail that ruined my wife's happiness or that the money that was spent on my Transition to Thailand could have been used to pay off a lot of debts. Well I'm sorry that my expectations did not match theirs and that I am who I am. But that is water under the bridge. I've had feelings that a divorce (just a thought at times) may be something that could be possible, but I do love my wife and leaving now at this time would be abandoining her. Plus, we also have to care for her mother who is in a residential care home in our area. So the implementation of a divorce would not solve anything.

So the trip and the five days away from the family is something that I really need and it will give me some breathing room to figure out a way to keep our home and to feel protected and safe for now.