Domestic Violence; what no honeymoon?

There was something that our therapist told us during our first Post-Op support group meeting. As the six women sat there in the office talking about life after Transition we all agreed that many of the problems were the same ones we now all faced.

Now the difference between this meeting of Post-Op females versus the Pre-Ops is that the latter folks are still wondering how they the will be traveling down that Gender road. One that has enough pebbles, small sized rocks and a few boulders strewn along the way.

Many of them are going through their own puberty, one that has them looking to find friends, wondering what clothes they will be wearing, how they're going to find guys, how they're looking forward to that first day walking out of their closeted home into the light as a woman or man. Yes there are even female to male Transsexuals here too.

Everyone of the Pre's are going through their own genesis. For them to sit in their first meeting, seeing and talking to the more experienced but still novice TS's, is a relief. Many are still wondering what type of clothes they will need, whether they will soon go on hormones, wondering wher to find places to go out as a man or woman, and many other myriad questions.

They all have that questioning look and there will be one or two who will find that transitioning to another gender is not what they want and will retreat to their own personal closet, to these girls they are through puberty.

But for the women who are sitting through our first 3-hour session, we are now out of puberty and now going through graduate school in the school of life and as we think about our own travels we share a common thread. We are all Domestic Violence survivors.

Why Domestic Violence? Well, if you look at it; all of us are women, we are now or starting to see a stormy relationship with our spouses, a stable marriage is now teteering on the brink of divorce or separation, our home life is cold and loveless. Even though "there" is no violence as in a regular Domestic Violence situation, the type of issues we do go through is somewhat similar and to make it worse; there is no violence, just silence.

Many of us are starving for companionsihp, we want to be held, we crave a sexual relationship, but can't because our spouses are not too happy about a Lesbian relationship or being in a same-sex household. Our spouses want to maintain that feeling of being protected, like when we were first married and the thought of Transition had not entered the picture.

But who is going to protect us women now? Who is going to tell us that we're safe, who is going to hold us to stroke our hair and to look into our frightened eyes as we face our own financial disaster and cannot take care of our family, or even give comfort to our spouses? Just who is going to do that?

So, what our therapist told us, we are in some ways survivor of Domestic violence, where the wife (now us) can't or won't leave an unstable relationship and the analogy's are actually the same; but there is NO violence, just the death of our own sel-esteem and how we view our relationships.

But there is one thing that we can do, but then who hasn't thought of it and its very simple if you do. "Why not leave the marriage and start all over"? Our therapist told us that for many women who have left a floundering relationship due to Domestic Violence (DV), the wives do better in the long run.

So now, the stage is set. Do I leave this marriage that I've been in for the last 36 years or do I continue to stay in a loveless relationship?

Its girls nite out

Well I finally got my flight ready and paid for. I'm leaving on that red eye flight, okay so i'm leaving in the afternoon; but won't be making my appearance in Phoenix till 5pm that afternoon.

But I was telling my cousin what I wanted to do and I mentioned a movie. She wrote back "GIRLY Movies".... So we're off to chick flicks with another long time cousin I haven't seen since 1973 in the Philppines. This one is about a few months younger than me, so three cousins out to see a movie, maybe taking in a pizza for dinner or a friendly drink in their local watering holes is going to be the start of a nice vacation.

Plus, going shopping for "PRADA" for my other cousin... it looks like this girls wallet and going to be empty before I even get started - LOL.

But, one thing is for certain.... Looking at the guys in summer wear will be a oasis for my tired, winterey, foggy eyes.

I'm gone, well not quite

Well things are looking up, this morning my pay was deposted into my account and so I went and ordered a R/T plane ticket to and from Phoenix, Az. I'm going to be leaving on the 2nd of April and coming back home on the 6th.

And I also saw my Family Practice Physician for my yearly health exam. Its funny I haven't seen Dr. Dewelle since February of 2008 when she finished signing copies of all of my medical records for me to take to Thailand for my surgery in March of 2008.

As I was sitting in the exam room, talking to her; I told her of all of the things that have happened to me since April 2008 to include my first encounter with a male and the possible breakup of our marriage. She was concerned because she was wondering how our marriage would now survive, since I was now female and my wife is also female.

But after telling her my story, she told me that in her opinion the surgery did me good and I'm actually behaving like any other natal female. Which leaves me with the question.... Can I actually be receptive to a male? And If I were to leave or the curtain were to finally come down on our marriage, would I make it as a single woman?

Many questions and too few answers, but isn't that what life is all about? The ability to adapt to changing situations and try to make the best of a bad situation?

Right now I want to continue my marriage; but if that time comes for me to leave I'll ready

Abandoned; but not forgotten....

I feel my life is like an abandoned military base, what once was a stable marriage, is now starting to show the strain of 36 years of change. Oh, it isn't like big chunks are coming off; but small hairline fissures are now starting to appear on the surface.

My wife who I love is now facing the fact that I am continuing to evolve as a woman and I'm now finding that my feelings are now changing. But why now and why not before all of this transition?

Well I think that now I see thing very differently than my wife does. In fact, as that new woman in the house, the love life that we used to share has now been supplanted by the fear of a Lesbian relationship. I know my wife very well; and she's as straight as an arrow and I'm pretty straight too.

It is said that the sex drive of every human being is different and what may be an excess for one, may be slow for another. I find that statement to be rather prophetic in what has happened to me in the last month.

Now, I am that woman who wants to have sex, to enjoy the feelings of another person, to enjoy the feelings and to feel good. However, my wife only wants to stay in the status quo, or keep her life as stable as possible.

Being a Transgendered woman is like going to school. In the beginning as we fumble through our lives looking and searching for what we've become, learning about fashion, make-ups, going to meetings, being out as a woman or what ever female you think you may want to be is likened to being in "Elementary school". It is just learning how you fit into all of this.

But after the surgery, having Breast Augmentation, being on hormones, changing all of your personal identities and now as confident as that woman are you now in the big leagues. It is as though you are now in a University program going for your "Post-Doctural" education.

So getting back to my story. I've now found that I now have that power over men, I now have that power that only the members of a special club can now use and our power is through our legs. I don't see myself being without someone one of these days, maybe I will take that long trip to another foreign country to meet other men. Maybe I'll continue to live here in the US; but under different circumstances. Will I get divorced and move away? Only time will tell.

This is a journey that is still without an end and it is a journey that I gladly walk.

Gone but not forgotten... just yet.

It is strange that I am not the least bit afraid of the future. After attending the very first "Post-Op Transgender Support Group" I now find that my life is now taking a life of its own. As our therapist told the initial group of four TS women in attendance, learning to come out, finding out who you are in this interesting world, dressing finding friends, learning the ins and out of being a woman is like being in grade school.

But after the surgery and now living as a woman is what he called going for your Post Doctural Education. You are now in the big leagues and face new challenges. The surgery was the vehicle for which we arrived, life and relationships is what defines us and determines whether we fail as women or males.

So, in keeping with continuing education as a woman, I am taking a well-earned vacation from life, the family and my wife and going alone to visit family in warm and sunny Arizona. It is a sanctuary for which I can talk w/o interference from the family on issues of the heart and for once; live my life even for a five day stretch as that new woman.

Even though everyone knows that I am married, it is the freedom to just say whatever I want to my first cousin (female) on my mothers side and to hear my aunt's talk to me in our Filipino dialect. It is also a time for me and my cousin Meredith to go out and just do girl things; i.e. shopping, go window shopping (she likes PRADA), and just be out watching what else.... GUYS. Oh, she's also married and I'm the auntie to three of her sons. So talking to her about my disastrous attempt with a guy is something I need to get off my chest.

So for five days this girl will leave the stress of trying to find money to pay our bills, not to worry about work and the residents of our Assisted Living facility, not having to listen to my wife of 36 years or listen to the same issues that are plaguing every family in the United States. This will be MY time alone.

Dark nagging thoughts

My foray into the world of intimacy between a man and a woman fizzled into a puddle of poo poo, what would have been a way to find out who I truely am as a woman and to see if I could have a relationship with a man became my Waterloo. The resultant fireworks, which has probably cost my friend dearly, has also cost me countless hours of feeling dejected.

Usually I can count on my upbringing, stoic approach and sometimes a smile or a sense of humor to carry me over any pitfall that I may encounter; but now, I find that my thoughts drift back to what we would have had, but is now gone.

I find that at work, I would think about this problem and sometimes it does bring a tear to my eye as I tell my girlfriends my feelings and compounding this issue is the fact that where I work, I've had to deal with the deaths of two of our senior residents within a few months of each other. I also have to deal with my mothers passing in December of 2008.

Besides these problems is that we are now facing a very serious financial crisis, we're not in foreclosure just yet, but teetering on the brink and also the very real possibility of my wife, losing her 28 year old job due to a budget shortfall in her school district.

So what do I have here? YOU have a woman who is light skinned and very moody, prone to the various cycles of being on female hormones, couple this with the above issues and you have a recipie for trouble.

But there is a silver lining to this, the TG conference where this all started has now been cancelled, due to poor sign-up of attendees. Normally the California Dreamin TG Conference and in this case CaD2009 would have had over a few hundred attendees staying for three to four days, attending seminars, going out to the local restaurants and enjoying a memorable dinner banquet.

With the economy in the tank, the high cost of attending, plane fare, gas, food, hotel fee, and the other miscellaneous things that TG's buy at a conference, many attendees have decided not to attend.

So the cancellation of the conference was a way for me to regroup. On that date the conference would have been held, I am now going to Arizona to see my first cousins, two favorite aunties, my cousins children who will have a new auntie to spoil them and the best of all.... Go shopping with my cousins. IN other words, hanging out with the girls and talking about what else..."SEX", fashion, and maybe show them my battle scars. But the best part of all, I will be leaving for a few days the problems that are now causing me a great deal of distress.

I know my wife and my two sons are thinking that I should be spending my time with them and that the money being spent on a R/T airplane ticket could be put to good use in paying off some of our bills. True this is very important, but my family who I love do not know how dark my feelings are at this time. I am at the point of thinking that maybe they do not really need me at all.

That maybe my transitioning has been the nail that ruined my wife's happiness or that the money that was spent on my Transition to Thailand could have been used to pay off a lot of debts. Well I'm sorry that my expectations did not match theirs and that I am who I am. But that is water under the bridge. I've had feelings that a divorce (just a thought at times) may be something that could be possible, but I do love my wife and leaving now at this time would be abandoining her. Plus, we also have to care for her mother who is in a residential care home in our area. So the implementation of a divorce would not solve anything.

So the trip and the five days away from the family is something that I really need and it will give me some breathing room to figure out a way to keep our home and to feel protected and safe for now.

Why I love Victoria Secret.... for now.

Being a girl has its moments; the first date, your first job, your first sexual encounter with a guy and your first bra. Your first bra you may add? Well how about your first bra that actually fits you and isn't one that you came across because you thought you'd look great in it.

With the high cost of clothing, the cost of a bra isn't something to sneeze about. I had been buying bras as I needed them and would always get ones that didn't fit or find things out about bras that women seem to find.

So, after going through a lot of bra fittings and still finding that the ones I've bought through the years didn't really fit, I took a chance and went in to inquire about a bra that could do everything such as Saving the American Economy, Bringing peace to the world, Getting rid of world hunger and Bring foreign nations together under a banner of brotherly love and before I forget..... and finally arresting that rascally rabbit....Osama Ben Ladin.

But instead of that, I just settled on finding a good bra that really fitted. So the other day I went in and talked to the sales lady who loved the idea of fitting a big, tall Amazon Filipina woman with a rack size of 42C and one who was Transgendered to boot.

Anyway after studying my figure, she came up with the size that seemed to do everything except win the next Presidential election in 2024, plus it really fitted me to a "T", okay forget the pun.... I found that my actual size is now a whopping ...... 38DD.

So I'd like to thank Mother Nature and Dow Chemicals for giving me my current breast size.

Fat wallet = A fat Ass

I just finished signing up with our local Red Cross chapter to take the "CPR for the Professional Rescuer". So after inputting all of my information on their website, it asked me to pay the fee. As I took out my wallet from my purse, I got my Wells Fargo VISA card out of my purse and entered the numbers. After finishing I sent the information and within a few minutes got a response that I had now been enrolled in the Apr 21st class.

So as I was putting away my wallet into my purse I was thinking to myself on how large this wallet had gotten to be. In my former life, my wallet and everything held dear to me was contained in a small leather wallet that had the capacity to expand to around 2 inches in width, now the wallet I am carrying contains not only my personal cards, but every credit card, bank card, pictures of the family, miscellaneous odds and ends that every woman I've ever known carry. It also has room for a checkbook and register, space for change and paper currency, etc., etc., etc.....

In other words, this same wallet I now carry in my purse along with designer sunglasses by "Juicy", case, lipstick, hair pins, berets, scrunchy's, camera, change of panties, liners, assorted pens, female disposable wipes, sanitary napkins, combs in two different sizes and also various snacks, now weighs around 10-30 lbs.

So if I were to put this in a guy's way of carrying it, I'd now be hefting a very large backpack on my back....Instead of a very nice looking purse....And my back pocket would now look like it was nine months pregnant.....

Ahhhh yes, isn't it fun to be a girl??????

It's my birthday....So who's going to do dishes?

I like birthdays, I like the party atmosphere, the crowds of people invited for the festive ocassion, the food and watching that special birthday boy or girl, in this case a girl celebrate her birthday in style at the home. Unfortunately, it was the three of us, the cat & the dog tonight.

But the meal was great. I got Ham hocks & beans, corn bread, salad and a beer. Sounds like something i could have ordered from our local diner; but it was the thought that counted.

Now, as far as presents are concerned. I got a free $40.00 haircut at our local hair salon, which actually cost me $25.00 and I got to educate my stylist on TG101. But she was great. She has a 28 year old friend that is coming out as a TS.

Since her friend is around 28, I was thinking that here is another girl who is in the same age bracket as my twin sons who will turn 30 years old on the 13th of March. I've always wanted a daughters and so it looks like I'm going to get my wish by playing mom to this girl ala June Cleaver on "Leave it to Beaver", as I help her navigate through the rocky TG roadway.

Even though she may not want me to help, it would be nice to actually meet her and give her from time to time some advice on surviving as a TS in this world.

It is funny how we all talk about ourselves and i was one of them, you know those blabbering women who inhabit every hair salon from her to kingdom come. And with a straight hair dresser instead of a gay one, she got a lot out of our conversation.

But, other than that. My birthday was pretty tame. I did get to enjoy my meal that was cooked by my family. However the beer got to me and soon I was dozing off to LaLa land.

Soon I joined the millions of women who fall asleep in front of their TV sets, dozing peacefully while the issues of the day and the world are safely and for now have been locked out the front door.

All I got for my birthday is....

Isn't life full of surprises? Today is my actual birthday and the celebration of my first year as being a woman. Since I made this great transition on my birthday on March 10th, I can actually tell people that I was born on this day at 11:30pm. Which isn't a lie, just stretching the truth a bit....

Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who has sent me a birthday card. Many of these celebrants have only known me for a short period of time and some have not actually met me; but just sent me a well wish for my birthday just the same.

But, its the other folks WHO have known me for over 50 years are the ones that I have a problem with. Imagine, knowing someone and not even acknowledging their accomplishment is to me a slap in the face. Why should perfect strangers do this? I was expecting even members of my family to acknowledge the amount of work I had expended just to become this new person. But not one person even acknowledge this. I even had to send a message to one of my sons to remind him that the girl was in town.

But, I still love each and everyone of them and hope that when the chips are down and they are looking for a bit of a cheer-up, that someone other than me gives them the courage to face whatever they are facing.

I hate history, unless its about WWII

I was reading an interesting blog by "Jamiegottagun" and she brought to mind "WHY" I really don't like TG's. On I'm not talking about the person and I for one salute them but its the non-stop history of their life and how they got from point A to point B and some side roads in between.

What I mean is this, it's perfectly fine at a therapist office on a one to one session or even during group sessions, but what I don't like is ...

Imagine you are at a small cocktail party and there are oh; about maybe 20-60 paired and single people milling around the house. You go up and stop by the food table or the bar and start to enjoy yourself. Now if you're like me, you are probably going to be at a party that is a mix between a lot of straight folks and a few TG's. Now you're enjoying yourself and soon you find that there is another TG at the party who seems hell-bent to tell you their life story.

Now this life story is something like someone with a speech impediment reading the lengthy novel 'War & Peace" at a very slow pace and with the people suddenly looking for a place to run and hide. IT"S a history of their "WHY" they came out.....

Listen, as a transgendered individual and one who is now all female..... I for one don't want to hear WHY you want to transition, nor do I want to know what happened 10-20 years ago; I want to know what is presently happening in your "life". I want to know what issues are you now facing, your fears & struggles, your children & family, are you being laid off from your job and what do you see in your future. I want to know what almost happens to folks at a party and that is.... "LIFE"!.

To give you and example on what I'm talking about, try this on for size. If you go to the next party and you are introduced to someone or being introduced to the other guests, do you say....

"Hello, my name is Cameron and I'm a TG, I've had a long and horrible life as a guy, I love wearing my mom's clothes at age 6. At age 10 I had a girl friend and I found out that I loved to wear her clothes, oh how I wished I could be a girl, blah, blah, blah......

Okay now do you get the picture, or how about this one.

"Hello my name is "Jane", how are you. Yes, I've known Bill and his wife for many years.... Bill and I work for the ABCDEFG company which just went bankrupt and we've both been laid off. I was Sr. VP of IT and Bill was Sr. VP of Marketing...

Now how's that for current events? Is it something that is current and pertinent to the times and are you now starting to hang around, because you and everybody else has the same problem? We're all talking about what is happening in our lives, not a one sided conversation about 'YOU" and your issues.

So, if you're into military history, cars, sports (yes even a TS likes sports), food, fine dining, family life, children and grandchildren and "MEN". All the things that make us and also defines who we are and we're at the same party. You may just see me hanging around you and the others instead of "heading for the hills".

Closer and closer

Well on Tuesday I reach a milestone because I now turn 59 and next year I hit that magic 60 mark. Not bad for an old broad and one that is really brand new as a woman.

As I sit here writing this blog, I look back to my over 30 years transitioning and to tell you the truth... I'm really glad I'm a woman. Sure we get pooped on, we have crappy jobs, we have responsibilities and I now find that what used to be a division between work and home life as a male is now an ongoing job. So I can really understand why being a wife and woman is a full time 24 hour job.

But what I'd like to say is this. On Tuesday the 10th of March, I will have actually reached a milestone in my journey as a woman. Besides hitting 59, and getting my hair styled at one of our local hair salons and maybe getting a great full-body massage, I am also celebrating my other birthday. For you see, I transitioned on my birthday in Thailand and there is a very interesting coincidence that connects the two birthdays.

For on March 10th, 1950 at 11:30pm I came out into the world screaming and squawking in the wrong gender. On March 10th, 2008 at 11:30pm Thailand time, I came out as a new woman.

Greetings....

Well I finally got my letter from the Breast Exam or Mammography center. The boobs and surrounding tissue are free from.... any signs of Cancer.

So for the current year, I'm a healthy woman. Oh and they did tell me after the age of 40 I have to get my yearly Breast Exam.

Oh well, so much for being healthy......