The DEATH Squad at your local Insurance Company

Everybody is screaming, yelling, misrepresenting information; but there is a DEATH squad. That squad isn't some pin-stripped suited male or bureaucrat sitting in Congress or in the House of Representatives, It isn't even our President Obama. NO, it is black scrub suited men and women working in a darkened cave tpe office at the claims adjusting section of your local large Insurance company.

That voice at the end of a 1-800 number who you've tried to call, but were given the run around. Those folks who may or may not have a medical degree or even a Nursing Degree; but if they do have a degree their hands are tied because of the bottom dollar.

That voice who sounds as concerned as someone with a bad case of Poison Ivy, or a good case of Gonorrhea and is offering a two for once cent sale.

That voice whom you've spent more than four or five hours on the telephone and suddenly you are cut off, then you dilligently try once again and once you do, they tell you that your claim has been denied, for reasons that are incomprehensible to any rational thinking individual

YES, they inhabit that large department, wearing only black scrubsuits with twin Lightning bolts over their brest pocket.

How many times have you heard friends complain that they were denied, after the doctor has sent reams and reams of reasons why their loved ones needed a special procedure, but were later told it was denied? How many times have you received a letter saying that your premiums are now going up through the roof, because Insurance company has to make a profit and they need to cut their losses, so they raise your premiums

Is it the Presidents fault, Is it Congress or is the Insurance company fault for trying to make money off of peoples misfortune.

Pin-suited folk don't make the policy... the CEO does..

Family Secrets Asian style

Its been over five months since I last wrote. My how time flies and so do many unresolved issues. I've been going through a mild depression over certain aspects of my life since transition, but I'm now taking Physician prescribed chemical enhancers and can now sit back and not have anxiety attacks overwhelm me.

I guess the fact that taking care of older adults, seeing the lack of close intimacy with my wife, the death of a few of the older adults and my mom's had taken a toll on my personality. Having anxiety attacks and being overwhelmed by the issues of our older adults at work and the feeling of loneliness and not having a support base put me off kilter for a few months. Now I'm back on the road and can now see how destructive being lonely can be, which brought me to write about this.

I had seen the ABC Special "Family Secrets" the other night. The central figure Chloe Prince who lives with her wife/spouse and two children brought out the issues that I do face. Not that my life is exactly the same as hers; but the intimacy that she lacks and mine parallel each other.

Since we are both women and I'm sure there are others who are in the same boat as we are, I find that my core values have dramatically changed ove the years and in the last year since coming back from Thailand, I do find that now the attention of a male is something I want to explore. Unfortunately being currently married to my wife makes it hard for me to explore my feminine side when it comes to men. Am I planning on leaving my spouse of over 36 years of marriage? NO, but its something that is in the back of my mind.

How sad it is for all of us, to sleep 2-3 feet from another human being and find that that close intimacy we once shared is now off limits. How sad it is for us to live our own lives and not have that feeling of being wanted or comforted when we're facing many issues that we now face as a married couple. And how sad it is for our partners to find that that same intimacy that we crave together is now denied.

Domestic Violence; what no honeymoon?

There was something that our therapist told us during our first Post-Op support group meeting. As the six women sat there in the office talking about life after Transition we all agreed that many of the problems were the same ones we now all faced.

Now the difference between this meeting of Post-Op females versus the Pre-Ops is that the latter folks are still wondering how they the will be traveling down that Gender road. One that has enough pebbles, small sized rocks and a few boulders strewn along the way.

Many of them are going through their own puberty, one that has them looking to find friends, wondering what clothes they will be wearing, how they're going to find guys, how they're looking forward to that first day walking out of their closeted home into the light as a woman or man. Yes there are even female to male Transsexuals here too.

Everyone of the Pre's are going through their own genesis. For them to sit in their first meeting, seeing and talking to the more experienced but still novice TS's, is a relief. Many are still wondering what type of clothes they will need, whether they will soon go on hormones, wondering wher to find places to go out as a man or woman, and many other myriad questions.

They all have that questioning look and there will be one or two who will find that transitioning to another gender is not what they want and will retreat to their own personal closet, to these girls they are through puberty.

But for the women who are sitting through our first 3-hour session, we are now out of puberty and now going through graduate school in the school of life and as we think about our own travels we share a common thread. We are all Domestic Violence survivors.

Why Domestic Violence? Well, if you look at it; all of us are women, we are now or starting to see a stormy relationship with our spouses, a stable marriage is now teteering on the brink of divorce or separation, our home life is cold and loveless. Even though "there" is no violence as in a regular Domestic Violence situation, the type of issues we do go through is somewhat similar and to make it worse; there is no violence, just silence.

Many of us are starving for companionsihp, we want to be held, we crave a sexual relationship, but can't because our spouses are not too happy about a Lesbian relationship or being in a same-sex household. Our spouses want to maintain that feeling of being protected, like when we were first married and the thought of Transition had not entered the picture.

But who is going to protect us women now? Who is going to tell us that we're safe, who is going to hold us to stroke our hair and to look into our frightened eyes as we face our own financial disaster and cannot take care of our family, or even give comfort to our spouses? Just who is going to do that?

So, what our therapist told us, we are in some ways survivor of Domestic violence, where the wife (now us) can't or won't leave an unstable relationship and the analogy's are actually the same; but there is NO violence, just the death of our own sel-esteem and how we view our relationships.

But there is one thing that we can do, but then who hasn't thought of it and its very simple if you do. "Why not leave the marriage and start all over"? Our therapist told us that for many women who have left a floundering relationship due to Domestic Violence (DV), the wives do better in the long run.

So now, the stage is set. Do I leave this marriage that I've been in for the last 36 years or do I continue to stay in a loveless relationship?

Its girls nite out

Well I finally got my flight ready and paid for. I'm leaving on that red eye flight, okay so i'm leaving in the afternoon; but won't be making my appearance in Phoenix till 5pm that afternoon.

But I was telling my cousin what I wanted to do and I mentioned a movie. She wrote back "GIRLY Movies".... So we're off to chick flicks with another long time cousin I haven't seen since 1973 in the Philppines. This one is about a few months younger than me, so three cousins out to see a movie, maybe taking in a pizza for dinner or a friendly drink in their local watering holes is going to be the start of a nice vacation.

Plus, going shopping for "PRADA" for my other cousin... it looks like this girls wallet and going to be empty before I even get started - LOL.

But, one thing is for certain.... Looking at the guys in summer wear will be a oasis for my tired, winterey, foggy eyes.

I'm gone, well not quite

Well things are looking up, this morning my pay was deposted into my account and so I went and ordered a R/T plane ticket to and from Phoenix, Az. I'm going to be leaving on the 2nd of April and coming back home on the 6th.

And I also saw my Family Practice Physician for my yearly health exam. Its funny I haven't seen Dr. Dewelle since February of 2008 when she finished signing copies of all of my medical records for me to take to Thailand for my surgery in March of 2008.

As I was sitting in the exam room, talking to her; I told her of all of the things that have happened to me since April 2008 to include my first encounter with a male and the possible breakup of our marriage. She was concerned because she was wondering how our marriage would now survive, since I was now female and my wife is also female.

But after telling her my story, she told me that in her opinion the surgery did me good and I'm actually behaving like any other natal female. Which leaves me with the question.... Can I actually be receptive to a male? And If I were to leave or the curtain were to finally come down on our marriage, would I make it as a single woman?

Many questions and too few answers, but isn't that what life is all about? The ability to adapt to changing situations and try to make the best of a bad situation?

Right now I want to continue my marriage; but if that time comes for me to leave I'll ready

Abandoned; but not forgotten....

I feel my life is like an abandoned military base, what once was a stable marriage, is now starting to show the strain of 36 years of change. Oh, it isn't like big chunks are coming off; but small hairline fissures are now starting to appear on the surface.

My wife who I love is now facing the fact that I am continuing to evolve as a woman and I'm now finding that my feelings are now changing. But why now and why not before all of this transition?

Well I think that now I see thing very differently than my wife does. In fact, as that new woman in the house, the love life that we used to share has now been supplanted by the fear of a Lesbian relationship. I know my wife very well; and she's as straight as an arrow and I'm pretty straight too.

It is said that the sex drive of every human being is different and what may be an excess for one, may be slow for another. I find that statement to be rather prophetic in what has happened to me in the last month.

Now, I am that woman who wants to have sex, to enjoy the feelings of another person, to enjoy the feelings and to feel good. However, my wife only wants to stay in the status quo, or keep her life as stable as possible.

Being a Transgendered woman is like going to school. In the beginning as we fumble through our lives looking and searching for what we've become, learning about fashion, make-ups, going to meetings, being out as a woman or what ever female you think you may want to be is likened to being in "Elementary school". It is just learning how you fit into all of this.

But after the surgery, having Breast Augmentation, being on hormones, changing all of your personal identities and now as confident as that woman are you now in the big leagues. It is as though you are now in a University program going for your "Post-Doctural" education.

So getting back to my story. I've now found that I now have that power over men, I now have that power that only the members of a special club can now use and our power is through our legs. I don't see myself being without someone one of these days, maybe I will take that long trip to another foreign country to meet other men. Maybe I'll continue to live here in the US; but under different circumstances. Will I get divorced and move away? Only time will tell.

This is a journey that is still without an end and it is a journey that I gladly walk.

Gone but not forgotten... just yet.

It is strange that I am not the least bit afraid of the future. After attending the very first "Post-Op Transgender Support Group" I now find that my life is now taking a life of its own. As our therapist told the initial group of four TS women in attendance, learning to come out, finding out who you are in this interesting world, dressing finding friends, learning the ins and out of being a woman is like being in grade school.

But after the surgery and now living as a woman is what he called going for your Post Doctural Education. You are now in the big leagues and face new challenges. The surgery was the vehicle for which we arrived, life and relationships is what defines us and determines whether we fail as women or males.

So, in keeping with continuing education as a woman, I am taking a well-earned vacation from life, the family and my wife and going alone to visit family in warm and sunny Arizona. It is a sanctuary for which I can talk w/o interference from the family on issues of the heart and for once; live my life even for a five day stretch as that new woman.

Even though everyone knows that I am married, it is the freedom to just say whatever I want to my first cousin (female) on my mothers side and to hear my aunt's talk to me in our Filipino dialect. It is also a time for me and my cousin Meredith to go out and just do girl things; i.e. shopping, go window shopping (she likes PRADA), and just be out watching what else.... GUYS. Oh, she's also married and I'm the auntie to three of her sons. So talking to her about my disastrous attempt with a guy is something I need to get off my chest.

So for five days this girl will leave the stress of trying to find money to pay our bills, not to worry about work and the residents of our Assisted Living facility, not having to listen to my wife of 36 years or listen to the same issues that are plaguing every family in the United States. This will be MY time alone.

Dark nagging thoughts

My foray into the world of intimacy between a man and a woman fizzled into a puddle of poo poo, what would have been a way to find out who I truely am as a woman and to see if I could have a relationship with a man became my Waterloo. The resultant fireworks, which has probably cost my friend dearly, has also cost me countless hours of feeling dejected.

Usually I can count on my upbringing, stoic approach and sometimes a smile or a sense of humor to carry me over any pitfall that I may encounter; but now, I find that my thoughts drift back to what we would have had, but is now gone.

I find that at work, I would think about this problem and sometimes it does bring a tear to my eye as I tell my girlfriends my feelings and compounding this issue is the fact that where I work, I've had to deal with the deaths of two of our senior residents within a few months of each other. I also have to deal with my mothers passing in December of 2008.

Besides these problems is that we are now facing a very serious financial crisis, we're not in foreclosure just yet, but teetering on the brink and also the very real possibility of my wife, losing her 28 year old job due to a budget shortfall in her school district.

So what do I have here? YOU have a woman who is light skinned and very moody, prone to the various cycles of being on female hormones, couple this with the above issues and you have a recipie for trouble.

But there is a silver lining to this, the TG conference where this all started has now been cancelled, due to poor sign-up of attendees. Normally the California Dreamin TG Conference and in this case CaD2009 would have had over a few hundred attendees staying for three to four days, attending seminars, going out to the local restaurants and enjoying a memorable dinner banquet.

With the economy in the tank, the high cost of attending, plane fare, gas, food, hotel fee, and the other miscellaneous things that TG's buy at a conference, many attendees have decided not to attend.

So the cancellation of the conference was a way for me to regroup. On that date the conference would have been held, I am now going to Arizona to see my first cousins, two favorite aunties, my cousins children who will have a new auntie to spoil them and the best of all.... Go shopping with my cousins. IN other words, hanging out with the girls and talking about what else..."SEX", fashion, and maybe show them my battle scars. But the best part of all, I will be leaving for a few days the problems that are now causing me a great deal of distress.

I know my wife and my two sons are thinking that I should be spending my time with them and that the money being spent on a R/T airplane ticket could be put to good use in paying off some of our bills. True this is very important, but my family who I love do not know how dark my feelings are at this time. I am at the point of thinking that maybe they do not really need me at all.

That maybe my transitioning has been the nail that ruined my wife's happiness or that the money that was spent on my Transition to Thailand could have been used to pay off a lot of debts. Well I'm sorry that my expectations did not match theirs and that I am who I am. But that is water under the bridge. I've had feelings that a divorce (just a thought at times) may be something that could be possible, but I do love my wife and leaving now at this time would be abandoining her. Plus, we also have to care for her mother who is in a residential care home in our area. So the implementation of a divorce would not solve anything.

So the trip and the five days away from the family is something that I really need and it will give me some breathing room to figure out a way to keep our home and to feel protected and safe for now.